Shan White Blogs...

6 Ways to Triumph During the Transition of Divorce
By Shan White
Certified Divorce Coach - Colorado Springs, CO
 

There are intrusions and unexpected events that can stop us from moving forward in our lives. Dealing with divorce can be one of the most straining transitions we will ever have to encounter, face, and navigate through -- like a choppy and turbulent river.

At certain pivotal points in life, the intensity and duration of change can sometimes cause us to react with increased anxiety, anger, and fear. This is only natural. We all get derailed. The impact of the divorce and our ability to face the dilemma will vary. During these times, how can we align who we truly are with what we’re facing?

 

1. Acceptance

Tony Robbins says, “Change is inevitable, progress is optional.” Accepting the reality of change is the key to gracefully dealing with change. Think of maneuvering through change like practicing the martial art of Aikido. When you move with the flow of what is coming at you, rather than retreat or fight, your resistance lessens and your ability to face it strengthens. Accepting "what is" rather than "what should be" will help reconcile the difficult change with which you are struggling.

2. Choose a new mindset

A mindset is defined as a way of thinking that determines one’s behavior, outlook, and mental attitude. What are some positive things that could come out of this difficult divorce? Even in the most stressful situation, there is always something positive that could come from it. Even if it is a minor thing to you -- look for the good. One option is to view it as a wake-up call in order to cause you to ask yourself if the course you have been on still has the same meaning for you. Consequently, does the unexpected change offer a new opportunity?  To read more...

 

The question we must ask ourselves is:

Will I become bitter or better as a result of my divorce?

The choice is entirely yours.

Insights on How a Child Experiences Divorce

By Shan White
Certified Divorce Coach - Colorado Springs, CO

As I sat on the floor with my favorite after-school snack and juice, I watched TV mindlessly. My 10-year-old mind wandered until the image of a mom and dad flashed on the TV screen. They were explaining to their kids that daddy is moving to a new home and they would stay with mommy. But, they could come and visit dad on vacations and holidays. They called it “divorce”. 

I remember thinking that this was awful, but it would never happen to me and my little brother. Six months later, it did. I was confused and scared. But unlike the family on the TV program, my brother and I did not get to stay in the same home we were raised in. We did not get to go to the same school anymore. We did not get to play with our friends anymore, or go to the neighborhood park.  To read more...

To Be Divorced, or Not to Be: That Is the Question

By Shan White
Certified Divorce Coach - Colorado Springs, CO

When Shakespeare originally asked the “To Be or Not To Be” question, he most likely didn’t have the subject of divorce on his mind. Sadly, it’s a question that we think about a lot more in this generation. 

As a divorce recovery coach, I know the heartache of divorce all too well -- the sleepless nights and yet the desire to not get out of bed in the morning, the confusion, the emptiness, the anger, the sense of betrayal, and the plethora of unanswered questions.

So, if it is at all possible for a couple to avoid the big “D”, I am all for it, which is why I am also a divorce prevention coach. If I can help you avoid the pitfalls and mistakes I made in my relationship, which ended in divorce, that’s always the first choice. If not, I can be there to help put the pieces back together. So, the question becomes where are you in the process?

If you are “on the fence”, perhaps I can help you view it from a different angle. 

The Problem of Selfishness 

Long before I even considered divorce as a possibility, my problem already had developed deep roots in my heart. You see, I suffered with the problem of selfishness. One of the traits of selfishness is self-deception. I deceived myself into believing that it was my husband’s job to make me happy and meet all my needs.

Now, we normally don’t say that to ourselves on a conscious level; it usually resides down deep in our belief system, on a subconscious level. This is where expectations are born. For example, I expect my spouse to know how to make me feel better when I am down; I expect my spouse to know what to say when my mom is being mean to me; I expect my spouse to bring me soup when I am sick.   To read more...

Is Your Emotional IQ Tank Running on Empty?

By Shan White
Certified Divorce Coach - Colorado Springs, CO

There is mental intelligence, the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills, and there is emotional intelligence. Emotional Intelligence, as a psychological theory, was developed by Peter Salovey and John Mayer.

"Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive emotions, to access and generate emotions so as to assist thought, to understand emotions and emotional knowledge, and to reflectively regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth." - Mayer & Salovey, 1997

One of our favorite emotions to access and generate is love. Unconditional love can bring us a sense of fulfillment, meaning, and purpose like no other emotion.  To read more...

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